I’m not a super big fan of moving or change. I’ve had enough of both in my life over the years, thank you very much. And I would prefer things just sit still and let me breathe for awhile. But old habits die hard and/or God must feel differently because my life is a total train wreck of transition right now.
Between selling my old house, designing and building a new one, launching this ministry, being in the middle of the busiest season of the busiest year real estate (my day job), and all the fun exciting adventures that go into relocating a stinky husband, a stinky lab, and a 104 yr old wiener dog with dementia and incontinence to a tiny little 600 SF temporary housing trailer… I am about to lose it. Like – for real though come get me with a straight jacket – kind of lose it.
I don’t like moving or change because I don’t do them gracefully. I like things neat and orderly on color-coded spreadsheets with formulas and puppet strings, all held and orchestrated by me and only me. And since I am so amazingly insightful and proactive and know this about myself, I did all I could to prep myself for this season of transition. So going into all of this, I thought I could actually do this gracefully this time; I really did. I thought I could, just this once, be a fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants-and-whatever-happens-happens-just-enjoy-the-process kinda girl. That’s what I get for thinking.
For a while, I handled things beautifully, if I may say so myself. I mean, I was the picture of grace in motion when all this started. I even remembering enjoying a nostalgic moment of “Look at you girl, you GOT this” (note to self: never ever ever ever ever say this – you are totally asking for it if you do.) But then before I could say boo, I ceased to be that girl and instead became the I-haven’t-figured-out-how-to-control-this-situation-yet-and-if-someone-asks-me-one-more-question-I-am -going to -get-all-loud-and-squeaky-and-freak-completely-out-and-then-cry-myself-to-sleep-again-for-the-4th-night-in-a-row kinda girl. It wasn’t pretty.
I swear I am not saying this to make myself feel better, but I really could handle all this with one hand tied behind my back. Honest I could. I’ve juggled worse. And let’s be honest; while moving and change are not fun, they aren’t like dealing with say, death or disease. Experience tells me that all I need to get through tough transitions like this is a continued dedicated prayer time every morning, people to just do what I say, real movers versus me and my husband (do I LOOK like I should be carrying sofas and dressers?) and Jesus standing by my side whispering His truth louder than the chaos around me.
Instead, I attempted to get through this with 3-4 minute prayer times usually consisting of “Dear God, please let me not use foul language in front of random strangers today and please make me not fantasize about my husband’s untimely death by sofa squishing.” He didn’t answer. So I rushed the prayer time, moved the sofas, plotted my revenge, and couldn’t hear Jesus over the anxiety and rush of the days. And at the end of the day, I replenished my mind body and soul with Taco Bell and Corona Light. So why was I surprised when I ended up empty, and angry, and very, very sore?
I KNOW BETTER. I know I have to stay tethered and close to stay centered and full. And yet, even as I wrote the last piece about Stay Close and Wait, I wandered off into the bushes on my own and ended up lost and lonely.
I hate being in that place. You know the one. Where you are so emotionally tired and physically sleep deprived and exhausted that you think the world is against you and everyone around you has slighted you in some way. And all you wanna do is just curl up in a ball and cry. For a decade.
Can you identify?
Moving and change are HARD- really, really hard. Transition feels like someone took your world and tumped it over and left you there alone to pick up the pieces and put it all back together, only to have them do it again and make you start all over. But here is the good thing about moving and change: they are both opportunities for growth. In fact, if we give these tough times over to the Lord, they are PROMISES of growth. And at the end of it all, we get to enjoy something new.
So as much as I hate transition, I am sure glad that God is an architect of change. I don’t like not being in control, but I need God to reach down and tump my life over every once in awhile, and then help me put the pieces back together. It is a messy and painful process,and if I am honest, one I don’t enjoy all that much. But if I believe His promises (and I do,) then at the end of it all, I get to enjoy something new.
And the one sitting on the throne said, “Look, I am making everything new!” And then he said to me, “Write this down, for what I tell you is trustworthy and true.”
~ Revelation 21:5 NLT 2007