now what?

By Posted in - general on April 22nd, 2013 4 Comments

Last Saturday afternoon, as I drove to Dallas after what I refer to as The Jesus Gypsy “launch party,” I felt a sense of complete and utter relief.  It felt wonderful to know that after this season of hard work and arguing with God planning, the website was launched and the dreaded speaking engagement behind me.  And even the chaos that comes with traveling on 1-35 couldn’t kill the high I was riding that comes only from getting through something really, really scary and hard.

Plus, it was clear that God was thrilled with me.  I had showed up that morning and for His kingdom, done the 2 things I hate the most (be vulnerable and be that publicly) and He was rewarding me by playing all the very best songs in the universe on my stereo.  I had done it; I had said yes and shown up.  And now I was done and on my way to relax a little and celebrate with family and hear Big Head Todd & The Monsters sing me the blues.  It was a wonderful weekend.  We had a blast and I got to smile and laugh and not see the world through the lens of 6-days-19-hours-and-24-minutes-to-public-humiliation for the first time in a long while.

Then it was over.  Maybe it was the I-35 Monday morning rush hour traffic I enjoyed as I drove back to Austin, or that awful tax-day conversation with my CPA that opened the door, but reality crept back in.  The high of having been brave and told a tiny piece of my story to sweet loving ladies at my church had faded, and the fear of feeling exposed and open to criticism set in. The critic in my head began to pick apart the talk I had given and I started to once again doubt that I could do this thing that God has asked me to do.

But then I began to read your posts and your emails and your text messages.  And I was so encouraged and so humbled by some of your words, that I could once again feel His hand upon me.  So THANK YOU to all of you that have ministered to me this week.  Your support and reassurance has been tremendous and I appreciate that you would post and call and share your thoughts and journeys with me as well.

But the one question so many of you asked that I was completely unprepared for was, “Now what?” You asked it graciously of course, and a dozen different ways.  But all I heard in my anxious little brain was “NowWhatNowWhatNowWhat?”  And the answer is… I have no idea. In fact, the only way I ever got to the point where the website could get launched and the talk delivered was by NOT looking ahead.

You see, I have a phobia of the future.  I am terrified of it because despite my best efforts, I have not yet determined a way to control it. And if you know me even a little bit, you know I like to control things.  That’s why this ministry is so foreign and scary and agonizing for me; it has required that I forfeit all (imaginary) control and waive the little white flag of surrender.  So at this point in this journey, I have no idea where this ministry might lead, only that I am not the boss if it.

My niece sent me a text yesterday afternoon, a sweet gentle prod to get me writing and let me know that in the world of blogging, right about now would be an appropriate time to post again.  Little did she know that I have been sleeping fitfully all week and scribbling gibberish all afternoon trying to do just that.  Because, technically what I have really been doing is freaking out and trying to put together some global plan or outline for this ministry so I can know exactly where it is going and therefore control it all.

I had somehow managed to convince myself the rhythm and direction of this entire ministry rests squarely on the shoulders of Post #2 and that I must know exactly where it is headed before I can post it. So instead of just sitting down and writing what this experience has been like, I found myself fighting the compulsion to evaluate the website’s page clicks and make color-coded spreadsheets. Calculating, listing, and organizing are all things I like to do when I get anxious because they make me feel like I have a little control.  And because I know I am that way, I have never let myself look beyond The Right Now with this ministry.  Oh, I have some goals and dreams for sure. But those are mine and this ministry is not.

So while I would love nothing more than to wait until I have 10 and 20 year plans for all this and know exactly what post #’s 19, 27 & 178 might look like before I hit send on this one, I will instead choose to trust God and just do the one tiny thing He has asked me to do; tell my story.

Many of you reading this blog have signed up because you have already heard snippets of it at various talks.  But many of you have never heard me speak and know nothing about my journey to and in Christ.  And as I already mentioned, I have no idea where this ministry is headed.  But I do know its purpose.  I believe God has asked me to tell the story of my journey to redemption through writing and speaking about His healing in my life. 

To do that, I must ignore the little nasty voice in my head that says that this must be planned precisely, executed perfectly, and done so without a single pang of anxiety or grammatical error.  I am writing about life and The God Who Shapes It with ever-capable hands, and that simply cannot be done chronologically or in standard college paper form. So I am choosing to put away the half-finished outlines and timelines that I want to work from, and instead tell you my story in little pieces, as I feel them and remember them, and as God prompts.

I apologize in advance.  Doing it this way means you will have to ride this roller coaster with me and wait patiently while I find my way.  Blogging is new to me, as is telling my story to the greater public.  I am sure there are right and wrong ways to do all of that, but I don’t have a copy of those rules.  And I must warn you; for me, writing doesn’t come on Mondays and Thursdays in an orderly and invariable format.  It comes to me songs and stories and poems and prayers.  It comes in waves with nothing for weeks and then all at once for 6 hours straight when I wake up at 1:14 in the morning.  It comes while driving down Mopac (and I have to pull over and write or record madly,) or when I am trail running with my dog. It comes broken and scattered because that is who I am on most days.

So please lower your expectations.  My story won’t be the best or most interesting story you’ve ever heard.  I haven’t lived an extraordinary life and I don’t have the most dramatic testimony.  Yet God has still asked me to share it – the past hurts, the future dreams, and the present struggles- all tangled together in a life and heart that yearns to be closer to the one I call Home.  So I will tell it the best way I know how, through memories and experiences and finding God in all the little chapters of my life.

And each chapter, woven together with HIS love and power, becomes the story of who He is.  Because of His redeeming power, I (just like you) am part of the larger story. We are all part of the same beautiful story that He has been telling since the beginning of time, told over and again in the scriptures and before our very eyes in our children and marriages and families.  It is a story of choices and falling short, and a story of a journey to redemption and finding out who we really are in Christ.

I am discovering that I am the woman at the well.  I am John.  I am Peter, Paul, and Mary (get it?)  I am the adulteress and even Judas.  And I am especially the woman who anoints Jesus’ feet with oil and tears. I am every story you’ve ever heard and the very same one you are living right now. I am the story of the awesome power of God, who through the person of Jesus Christ, transforms and heals those who love Him.

So thank you for taking this journey with me. And thank you for reading my story; it is my offering.

 …to be continued

 

Comments

  • Cindi - Reply

    April 23, 2013 at 2:01 am

    Your journey gives us strength , encouragement , renews our faith in so many levels.. I appreciate your struggles and hope that you continue to draw strength from us. We love seeing you lose your fear a little at a time and letting us be part of your journey.

  • Stacy Spencer - Reply

    April 23, 2013 at 2:16 am

    Christine, I have worked with you, prayed with you, ministered to you, been ministered to …by you, learned with you, learned from you, laughed and cried from your stories. I look forward to more of you. More of whatever it is that you share, because it is always inspirational, loving, and beautiful. Many hugs !

  • Carol Dawin - Reply

    April 23, 2013 at 3:39 am

    Christine,,,your strength and faith shine. Thank you for sharing.

  • Debby - Reply

    May 9, 2013 at 3:12 pm

    the past hurts, the future dreams, and the present struggles- all tangled together in a life and heart that yearns to be closer to the one I call Home.,,,,

    I absolutely love this line (and I’ve totally copied it into my journal…just so you know) The past does sometimes hurt and it takes tremendous courage to open up the way you have. I struggle as I search for that courage on a daily basis. But, I have found that struggle to be a HUGE blessing in my life…strange as it may sound. We can’t fully live and love without that struggle. We can’t be the person God sees in us without that struggle. I too want so desperately plan and control, but am told on a daily basis…One Day at a Time. No ifs, ands, or buts….Let Go/Let God. (of course that doesn’t mean I don’t constantly try to “take it back”….)

    I look forward to future posts…

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