coal (1)

coal, part 1

I would still consider myself a “baby-Christian.” I have not been doing this Jesus thing all that long. I am struggling still with some of the qualities that go with Christianity; things like patience, virtue, and selfcontrol. I practiced life for a pretty long time the other way, so such godly attributes do not come as naturally as I would like. 

So when I was asked to speak to a women’s group on the topic of discipleship, I wondered why no one else saw the irony. But that was my assignment, so I dove right in. And by “dove right in,” what I really mean is that I waited until the last minute to even write out what I would say.

And when I sat down to miraculously pump out some wisdom on paper, I quickly discovered that not only should I have taken this more seriously from a timemanagement standpoint, but that I was completely inept to teach anyone about anything remotely related to discipleship.

As I sat staring at that blank paper before me, I rationalized to myself that I had not offered to give this talk; therefore it could not possibly be my fault that I was so ill-prepared. It was not as though I had even a fleeting thought that maybe I was good enough at anything to go and speak to others about it. I HATE public speaking and especially in a circumstance where some level of credibility might be required. When I had been asked to participate in the conference, I had said yes simply because I was too stunned to say no, and it was only much later that I was told what topic I would be discussing. I had subsequently thrown up a little bit in my mouth.

I realized what my hang up was. For me, the word disciple ship has a glaring resemblance to that nasty little word “discipline.” And that was a problem. How am I to talk  about something I struggle with and fail at pretty much every day? Perhaps the only wisdom I could possibly offer on the topic was what not to do. Maybe I could share my failures and struggles and tell them that no matter how hard I try, I never quite get it right.

Certainly it seemed like those failures had resulted in some of the best lessons I have ever learned. Pain really has a way of making a lesson stick, if you know what I mean. And I felt like maybe those failures might resonate with the group of women I would be talking to. Because really, who doesn’t struggle with discipline in their lives? Even Jesus’ disciples had their own struggles with faith, obedience, and trusting him. I started to feel like I was really onto something and finally began to sketch out an outline for my speech. But then I hit another wall.

If even the people who got to walk with Jesus and touch him and look him in the eye struggled with discipline and other godly attributes, what hope could I give these women? I was supposed to be sharing encouragement with these ladies and all I had so far was a long list of personal failures.

And that is when the epiphany hit. I realized, in a slow dawning moment, that in my walk thus far, I had been pushing and pushing towards this unreachable goal – this level of holiness where I could finally call myself good enough. I recognized that somewhere deep down, I had decided that if I were just disciplined enough, I could claim to be a good disciple. That if I made enough spreadsheets and set enough goals, and cursed 30% less and read the bible 40% more… then would I be able to call myself his follower.

And for a brief moment, as I stared at that too long list of failures, complete discouragement took over. And I thought, “I will never, ever be good enough.”

to be continued…

Thank you for reading Part 1 of COAL, one of my most published articles.  I realize some of you have read this piece already but many have not.  And since this is chapter 1 of my Someday Book, it seemed appropriate to post it first.  I will be posting every few days until the rest of the article is complete.