I Owe You an Apology

Actually, I owe you two. Shall we begin?

(1) Please forgive me for being MIA for the past few several months. As you might remember, I am currently working on getting my master’s and, as it turns out, seminary is very much the opposite of easy. I am loving the courses though and—God willing—will graduate this December. #praiseGodandHallelujah #miraclesdohappen

(2) There’s more.

BACKSTORY: I recently posted a piece called On Courage and Community… and it was truly, truly terrible. Maybe you didn’t notice because a lot of my other past posts have also been terrible, but I sure noticed. For one, I just had the privilege of completing a Writing in Ministry course at DTS where I learned many valuable writing-related things; none of which I showcased in that post. In addition to it being a huge failure in the writing realm, it was even more of a spiritual embarrassment. It said nothing. It accomplished nothing. It risked nothing. It was a fluff piece at best and I knew it the second I hit the publish button. I hated it (and myself) more and more as the days ticked by, but I hated it (and myself) the most when God woke me up at 1:30 on a Monday morning and whispered, “You did not say what I asked you to say.” To which I replied, “IknowIknowIknow,” then got up, pulled my laptop back out and did the craziest thing: I practiced what I preached.

A CONFESSION: In the original post (which I have since taken down as an act of contrition,) I encouraged you to have courage but showed none of my own. I did not tell the truth about my future fears, nor was I honest about the angst that I’ve been wrestling with or the grief that nearly swallowed me whole in 2019. I did not tell you the truth about my experience—and in doing so—I did not give God the glory he deserves for getting me through it. I wimped out. I’m sorry. I repent. And I am asking you to please forgive me and to keep reading me and to keep trusting me. I promise I’m trying.

I did not tell you the truth about my experience—and in doing so—I did not give God the glory he deserves for getting me through it.

AN UPDATE: When I finally got done hemorrhaging out the truth of what I have really learned about the importance of courage and community, I decided to be really brave and submit it for publication. I honestly held no high hopes for it. My prose tends to be a little too poetic for most and I felt the story might be a little too raw for many. And I was fine if only the precious eyes of my precious friends in this precious blog community saw it. I would still know that I had shown the courage to say what he asked me to say.

But to my surprise, it did get picked up and it did get published and I am so thankful that it did, at least I think I am. I don’t love that the piece gives a brutally honest glimpse into my brokenness but I am absolutely ecstatic that it gives people a glimpse of his goodness. Because from those who have already read it, I have heard echoes of, “I’m so glad I am not alone.”

Funny thing about courage and community: often one begets the other.

As expected, my prose was a little too poetic, so they gave me an editor to untangle all the meter and mess.  But shockingly, they did not find the story too raw. In fact, my editor insisted on picking at my scabs a little bit, trying to coax the full story out of my pen. “You’re hiding behind your imagery,’ he said.

Sigh. He was not wrong. But a lot of those wounds are still tender and there is only so much you can do when you’re still bruised and bleeding. So I did not peel back some of the layers, both because I just am not willing to go there yet and because I want to be respectful of all the players in said layers. I did relent to the relentless editorial shifting and shaping and watched as it morphed from being a theological musing into a much more assertive article, however. Through the process, I learned a ton about writing for a more academic publication (God bless my editor; I undoubtedly took years off his life,) but I also learned a lot about being brave and trusting others to help you get there. Essentially, I learned a lot about the importance of courage and community, which is befitting—and more than a little ironic—given that is the exact scope of the piece.

A PLEA: So… will you forgive me for hiding behind my imagery? And for posting the equivalent of a puny spiritual toe-touch in place of the truth? Will you forgive me for not practicing what I preach? Because I assure you that it won’t happen again. I promise I will keep showing up and owning up. I will keep practicing my courage in community.

Read the “real”

On Courage and Community

published by Fathom Magazine.